Life Update: What I’ve Been Doing While Ignoring This Blog
I’ve not really been ignoring this blog; I’ve been thinking about it a lot but the more time that passed since I last wrote a post, the more I felt like it was too long and I should just abandon all together. But I don’t want to. I like having a little space on the internet to call my own.
Every now and then I have a burst of creative energy where I need to write something. I have a folder full of blog posts and half-completed drafts on my laptop. Most of these will never see the light of day but they are little reminders of why I started this blog in the first place. I love to write. It’s one of the very few things I’m sure about in my life. When I can’t focus the jumbled mess of thoughts in my head I put them on paper (or laptop screen) instead.
So, what have I been up to lately?
Finishing year one of my masters:
If you read this post you’ll will know that in October last year I started a masters in Forensic Psychology. This has not been as fun as I had hoped and I underestimated how much work would be involved. I’m now working full-time for a homeless charity and it is very stressful doing both. That being said, I am enjoying it. It’s interesting and studying again makes me feel a little bit more like I have a purpose in life (even though, during lectures, I feel like I might as well have cotton wool for a brain instead). I’m glad I made the decision to go part-time as there’s no way I would have been able to work full-time and study full-time, and I need the money a full-time job brings.
This course has taught me a lot about myself too, mostly that I have blindly stumbled through life without being in touch with my emotions, I express my unknown feelings through almighty meltdowns and I *may* have a personality disorder (this is not me being flippant with mental illness terminology, I’m genuinely trying to get an assessment). We have to compete a reflective diary and it is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. I have realised that I know absolutely nothing about myself – not even what my favourite music or food is. I have seemingly managed this far but I can’t anymore, and I won’t be a very good psychologist if I can’t understand emotion. It’s something I plan to work on a lot before the end of this degree. I went back into education with completely different expectations than what is playing out in front of me, but in some ways I’m grateful. What I’m more grateful for though is that fact that I’ve now finished for the summer and don’t have to think about it (much) until the end of September!
Mental Health Relapse:
As alluded to in the paragraph above my mental health has taken a severe nose-dive in the last few months. It has robbed me of my love of travel, it makes me cry just about everywhere, it keeps me stuck under my duvet all the time, and it has made me fall out with just about everyone I care about. I’m on antidepressants now and I’m learning a lot about myself but it’s a very steep, uphill climb back to where I was. I’m getting there and I know (hope) I’ll be okay. This is not something I want to talk about much on here as I want to focus more on travel going forward and I have recently started a new mental health focused blog as an outlet for all this.
I missed blogging but I also missed anonymity. It’s not like I have loads of readers or that anyone I know reads my blog, but there was always a chance they could find it. I worried that people from work or uni would stumble across it and recognise me instantly. I worried they’d think it was stupid or they’d see me in a different light if I wrote too much about my mental health or personal life. That’s kind of why I fell out of love with this blog a little bit and created a new, anon, mental health blog. I’m obviously not going to post the link but if you do want it send me a Twitter DM and I’ll send you the link. I’m enjoying being able to be really honest and, if truth be told, I’m enjoying the instant validation I get from getting quite a few likes in a matter of minutes. I missed that once I went self-hosted.
I went to London Pride this year. It wasn’t quite what I was expecting and it didn’t feel as ‘community based’ as the smaller ones do, but I enjoyed it anyway. I always love the atmosphere at Pride. I wish we’d have gone out-out afterwards but nobody really wanted to. Instead my friend and I went and sat in a beer garden in South Bank and then went for dinner at Wahaca. I love London, I love everything about it, and sitting on the terrace bar of Wahaca, drinking margaritas, overlooking the Thames made me feel so content. I have Pride in my hometown coming up in a couple of weeks and I’m very excited for it – especially if it’s anything like last year.
A much needed holiday:
I’ve just come back from a week in The Algarve. I cannot tell you how much I needed to get away from the stress of daily life and just lie on a beach in the sunshine. I went on my own and spent the days exploring and chilling on a beach, and the nights eating lovely food. I took a few photos but barely looked at my phone, I drank no coffee (until I got to the airport to fly home), and only had one alcoholic drink (half a cider). Almost everything I ate was healthy and tasted so lovely and fresh. I went away wanting to go out and party every night, and nap on the beach every day, but once I got there I realised I wanted something else. I wanted total relaxation and enough time to see the sights in between beach time.
Just lately I have cancelled holidays because I couldn’t face the stress of them and I couldn’t face solo-travel but, after this week in Portugal, I feel re-energised and like I have my travel mojo back. I felt more confident than usual and I loved just being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. 10/10 would recommend.
Writing a book:
On the plane back from Portugal I had a lot of feelings and needed to write urgently. So I started writing a book. I wrote over 3000 words on my notes app all about how my mental illnesses affect different aspects of my life. I don’t know what came over me, and I don’t know how I suddenly learned to be reflective. I’m not sure what I want to do with this book. Obviously there is a lot more to write and I would like to publish something one day, but I’m not sure. Maybe I can turn it into a sort of ‘Reason’s to stay alive – esque’ type memoir and intersperse my ramblings with quotes, essays and poems. Or maybe I can just email it to my counsellor and let her use it as evidence when she gets me sectioned!
What have you been up to just lately? Let me know in the comments!
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