Is The Best Yet To Come?
…Or Have I missed out on it all?
Everyone always says that don’t they? “Oh, the best is yet to come. The best years of your life are still ahead of you”. But what if that’s just not true?
I feel like I’ve missed out on so much already, and I have a vague notion of doing it all in the future, but I also have a perpetual fear that I won’t. There’s a constant niggling voice in my head telling me that nothing is ever going to change. Life will never be interesting. I will never be surrounded by people similar to me – who really love me for me. I will never experience life the way I want to.
Age 24 feels like the beginning of my life yet it also feels like it’s almost over.
I will never get to experience being young and in love; struggling with my sexuality took that away from me. I’m acutely aware that I’m hurtling towards marriage and baby age having never had a serious relationship. I will never experience that teenage, booze-fuelled party holiday because those days are well behind me. Well, there was that time in Tenerife when, to avoid wild nights with my boy-obsessed friends and too many questions about why, I kept going to bed early or getting so drunk that I got thrown out of clubs and threw up over the bed. Another thing my sexuality took away from me. I’d quite like to try that one again…
I have all these thoughts running through my head: I’ll probably never experience a music festival, or going to a beach party and dancing on the sand until dawn. I’ll probably never sail around Croatia or Greece and have the courage to swan-dive from the bow. I’ll probably never do a year working in Australia because my career has just started to take off and I wouldn’t be brave enough to jeopardise that. I’ll never do this, I’ll never too that. Constantly circling around in my anxious head.
These are the things I’m longing to do and, as shallow as they may seem, I’m wasting away the prime years to do them.
I also want romantic city breaks and fancy hotels. I want to live in London – to immerse myself in the chaotic excitement of big city life. I want to own my own house someday (and fill it with cats). I want a nice beach wedding where I wear a pretty Grecian dress and walk down the aisle barefoot. These things may be in store for future me but there’s so much doubt clouding my mind. Should I have started saving for a house by now? Should I have met the person I’m going to marry? Where should I be in my career? How will I afford the city breaks on top of everything else?
What if the best is not yet to come? What if I’ve wasted the best years of my life and I waste the future ones too?
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