Not to jinx it but I feel really zen at the moment. Like, really fucking zen.
It’s no secret that I’ve really struggled this year, but right now I feel at peace. At peace with myself, my life, my family situation, my mental illnesses. Everything. Sure, I’d like to lose a bit of weight, have a bit more energy, a higher wage, a girlfriend, a better car, a more stable living situation (renting is terrible) and a life without relying on antidepressants. But I’m good with the things I have right now.
Over summer I’ve built up friendships, earned respect at work (and become damn good at my job in the process), celebrated pride, strengthened my family bond to my dad, sisters and stepmum in Brighton, booked a birthday trip to Budapest, been complemented on aspects of myself, been told I’m a good person, felt like I had nothing pressing to discuss in therapy, and had various people tell me they like/love me. After years of being told I’m unlikeable/unapproachable/will never get friends or a girlfriend because of my personality, it feels so good to hear different.
A lot of this at ease has come from finally saying no to feeling like a burden. I appreciate my mum and grandparents for the help they have given me in the past but I had to say enough is enough and stop putting myself in those negative situations. They don’t understand mental illness and they won’t change their behaviour no matter how much I beg them to for the sake of my well-being. After a few months of not spending Sundays being told what a terrible person I am and being made to feel like a burden, I’ve discovered love for myself.
And I no longer wake up consumed with thoughts of them and thoughts of why don’t they love me? because I have plenty of other people around me who do.
Another reason I feel like this is because September is a wonderful month. I’m sure I’ve written about this before but I just love the feeling of newness and possibility. The sweaty, sticky summer heat has disappeared yet the sun is shining for the most part. Waking up to a cool breeze floating through the open window feels refreshing, and being able to snuggle under the duvet with a cup of coffee feels heavenly.
It feels as though the year has been reset in a way. There is a time to get stuff done. It’s a time to set goals and intentions. It’s a time for letting go of things that no longer serve you and it’s a time for new beginnings.
End of year goals
Keep on saying ‘Yes’ – Life is much more fun now I’m saying ‘yes’ to a few more things. Spontaneous after work pub or dinner trip? Sure. Weekend trip to Devon? Yes! A late night drive down to the river or a 10km Sunday walk? Why the hell not? I’ve been stuck in a cycle of saying no to things for fear of not fitting in or not being liked or believing that I would be having far more fun relaxing in bed, alone. But I can relax when I’m too old to move. I’m determined not to let life pass me by anymore.
Improve my fitness – I’ve finally started swimming, and I actually enjoy it. I used to do everything in my power to not go swimming during P.E lessons at school, but I like it now I get to choose to go. I’m not the best swimmer and I feel a little self-conscious but I’d like to carry on. I also want to join the gym as I think I’d be happier in myself if I just toned up a little.
Go completely vegan – I know this one has been on every goal post I’ve written since the dawn of time, but this time I mean it. I was recently diagnosed with PCOS and I’ve discovered that eating a gluten and dairy free diet really helps with symptoms. I’ve always felt a bit sluggish and irritable so I’m going to stick to this one and see if it makes me feel a bit better. Of course, it’ll be nice to completely stop exploiting animals which is why I went vegetarian 6 years ago anyway.
Get a new hobby – I’ve recently started learning how to draw and it’s going okay! I bought myself some fine line pens and a sketchpad on a whim as they were on offer in Wilko, and I’ve discovered I really like it. Drawing, to me, feels like a good way to switch off and destress for an hour or so – and I definitely need something to help me destress at the moment.
Take my degree more seriously – I feel like I was attempting to ‘wing it’ through the first year of my masters and I just passed the year (although I got a couple of commendations). I need to take it a bit more seriously and find some more time to really focus on my work. I know it will be very difficult to do with a full-time job, but my degree needs to be my priority now.
What does the rest of 2019 look like for you? What are some of your end of year goals? Let me know in the comments!
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